edition 21st birthday celebrations, february 2008. word of the month: think for yourself

A word before we commence...

One of the extras in last month's edition of the unnamed motorsport satire project was to have been a 'Best of tumsp'. However due to unforseen circumstances the link was broken. The problem has been rectified, so click here to enjoy what viewers have voted as the best of the unnamed motorsport satire project.

THIS PROBABLY NEEDS A HEADING

You may remember our next interviewee from stints in Formula 1 and NASCAR. If that's the case, you're wrong. But that doesn't change the fact he spoke to us recently.

Q: If you had to describe your 2007 season in one word, what would it be?
A: Well...

Q: Strange choice, but we’ll push on. Any particular highlights?
A: I think achieving everything we achieved was a great achievement that I feel very proud to have achieved.

Q: Any low lights?
A: Mid-season we struggled for pace at a number of circuits, which wasn’t helped by the fact various teams were spying on us.

Q: That’s just not cricket...
A: Of course it isn’t, it’s motor racing. Fortunately that’s behind us now, we gouged their eyes out and we’ll all move forward.

Q: How about next year, looking to win the championship?
A: Of course, everyone is. We’d go to the end of the earth to win a championship.

Q: How is that possible, the earth is a sphere, it has no end.
A: It was just a figure of speech, relax.

Q: Sorry, but it really is a woeful figure of speech. Can I finish this interview with a question?
A: Sure.

 
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Episode 19 - It was the day of Clarissa’s funeral as the whole town continued to struggle to come to terms with what had happened at The OP on that fateful day when Clarissa’s fatality occurred.

Michael had turned his back on racing and became more and more reclusive, shutting himself off from the world and his friends. He barely left his room, and refused potentially-helpful professional help to help him overcome his grief.

His anguish was so intense that no-one knew if he would even attend the funeral until they read ahead in the script of this episode or checked for spoilers on an internet site.

At the funeral, he didn’t speak to anyone, staring blankly into the distance for the entire service until he saw Gerard, who was actually sitting next to him. Several years ago, Gerard was, along with Michael and Bryce, one of the most-promising young race drivers in The OP.

Michael hadn’t seen him for years and didn’t think anything of it until he noticed Gerard had a claw for his right hand, having been the victim of a tragic Jenga accident.

Upon speaking to Gerard and seeing his upbeat demeanour despite his plight, Michael decided to get his life back together and return to racing.

If there was one positive from Clarissa’s death, it was that Bryce and Autumn put things into perspective and rekindled their romance and Bryce made plans to propose to Autumn.

 
 

REBEL F1 LEAGUE ON THE WAY?

Set to follow in the footsteps of the new, big-dollar Indian Cricket League, a motorsport version from the same backers could soon be on the way, the unnamed motorsport satire project hears.

Just as the ICL uses the shortened, high-entertainment Twenty20 version of cricket, the Indian Motorsport League will use a special format of motorsport.

Drivers will race around cricket ground car parks, in a series of Sprintcar-style sprint races.

The project has recently been taking shape following the purchase of the F1 squad formerly known as Jordan, Midland and Spyker by Indian billionaire Dr. Vijay Mallya.

The second franchise could well be on its way soon, with an Indian businessman linked to a buyout of Super Aguri.

Should the purchase take place, experts predict the other teams will follow in quick succession leading to the demise of Formula 1 as teams move to the Indian Motorsport League and the series could start as early as one day.

 
Lesson 5, Things that mean something.
With V8 Supercars' Tony Cochrane
From this V8 Supercar press release about the series' impressive 2007 TV figures.

“Compare this to the A League that was recently applauded for having a 23 per cent increase to 2.8 million viewers and it offers you a real perspective on what Australians are watching.”
V8 Supercars Australia Chairman Tony Cochrane

Crowd numbers increasing?
Awesome
22 million TV viewers, up from 17.5 million?
Awesome
Continued growth of V8 Supercars?
Awesome

Boasting about having eight times the audience of a sport series broadcast only on Pay-TV and in its third year?
A bit like entering a V8 Supercar in the Bathurst 12 Hour...
You'll win, but others will know it's a hollow win.
   
not editorial
 
 

LAST SUPERCAR SEAT SORTED

Darwin human Tim Janders is a late and unexpected starter in the 2008 V8 Supercar Championship, having reached an agreement to use the Walden Motorsport-controlled franchise.

While Walden had entered Clipsal with driver Garth Walden, Janders’ own team - Tim Janders Races Cars Quite Good - will prepare and run an ex-BJR Falcon for Janders to drive.

Formed several days ago, the Clipsal 500 will be both the team’s racing debut and the first time Janders has ever driven a car.

“It’s all systems go, the biggest step is behind us,” Janders confirmed to the unnamed motorsport satire project, when calling to see if we had the named motorsport satire project’s phone number.

“I know what I’m going to call the team, it was an exhaustive process, and the letterheads get back from the printer tomorrow.

“From here on in, the rest of it should be a piece of cake.”

When pressed on the almost vertical learning curve he faces, Janders was audible.

“You should see me on the Gran Turismo games, you’d never be able to beat me,” he modested.

“Really, we’ve ready for an opportunity like this to translate that form to the racetracks of Australia for a while.

“I see no reason why we can’t be a championship contender within three years.”

 

just doin' our bit for the community


 

BIG PUBLISHING BOOM COMING
It’s almost Christmas again which means one thing if you’re a race driver - start penning that autobiography or have that 30 minute chat with your ghost writer.

Books are seen as a great source of words and/or images and sales, with some motorsport books expected to sell in excess of one copy.

So the message is simple, if you want in to this marketable market, get in now.

“Never has there been a better time to write, or approve an already written, book,” Stephen Kang, author of best-selling the book How to stop reading books in 30 days, told tumsp.com.

“With the amount of rubbish on the internet and television, people are returning to books for entertainment, or at the very least to have on the shelf and look intelligent.”

Following the continued growth of V8 Supercars, a range of new books from motorsport personalities are expected to hit bookshelves this year.

In addition to the seventh edition of Lewis Hamilton’s autobiography, several V8 Supercar drivers are expected to pen a version of their life story, Andrew Jones’ Big Book of Blogs is out shortly and rumours persist about a Marcus Zukanovic cook book.

 
paid for
   

HONDA BUDGET CUTBACKS?

An abysmal 2007 season appears to still be hurting HondaF1Racing in 2008.

Not only does their new car appear to be slow, but it appears as though their major sponsor, the Earth, has significantly reduced its investment in the team.

While Earth signage practically covered the entire 2007 car, that signage is significantly less in 2008, with large white areas Earth-signage-less.

Due to reasons, the team could not be reached for comment.

 
 

AGP UNDER THREAT? AGAIN?

For what seems like the hundredth (maybe the 102nd) time, reports suggest the Australian Grand Prix at Albert Park is under threat.

The latest reports quote F1 doyen Bernie Eccelstone in anti-AGP mode. Among the Melbourne media in particular, it sparked another round of debate about whether the loss-making event is worth having.

However the unnamed motorsport satire project isn’t convinced the latest round of paranoia is as serious or necessary as it seems.

Run with us on this...

Imagine you were promoting the Australian round of the pinnacle of motorsport, you’d want to maximise media coverage.

And what better time to get media coverage then while a fledgling international motorsport series is in the country, thus minimising publicity for their event?

The dude who runs the pinnacle of motorsport loves to talk, shouldn’t be too hard to get him to say something that would cast doubt over your event’s future.

Give that to a journalist and when the story breaks, on the Sunday of the fledgling series’ event in this instance, presto, you’ve got major media coverage.

You can stop running now...

Coincidence? Or a beautifully-executed (albeit risky) PR stunt?

Either way, on the Sunday of and Monday after A1GP at Eastern Creek, most metropolitan news outlets were talking about the AGP. What transpired in Western Sydney was well down the grid.

 
 

Episode 20 - Bryce did the whole romantic thing and asked Autumn over a coffee if she’d marry him at the Café. They were at the Café; he didn’t ask her if she wanted to hold the ceremony there.

He would have to wait a week for the answer, though, as she had lost her voice at the recent Sunglass fair. When it returned, she accepted and the planning for a fairytale wedding commenced.

Also making plans for the future, Michael called his old team owner and asked for a chance to return to racing. Jim was sceptical initially, but once Michael demonstrated he had regained his competitive fire by setting several fires in Jim's house, the comeback was in motion.

However due to a lack of sponsorship, their only option was to run a second-hand 2007 Honda F1 car. Despite that handicap, they entered the big The OP 256, scheduled to take place the day after Bryce and Autumn’s wedding, and started preparations.

As the race drew closer, the date clash became obvious, and Michael was left with a choice - to miss qualifying and start from the back of the 3092-car field to attend his friend’s wedding, or miss his best (alive) friends’ biggest day.

To the understandment of Jim, he chose to attend the wedding, which was a joyous occasion with ample chairs.

The next day, it was all business as he looked to get his racing career back on track. Unfortunately an accident in an earlier event meant the race was shortened by 20 laps and the odds were squarely against Michael.

But that didn’t stop him, he came through the field with ease and racing gloves to lap the field in a dominant win. Impressed by his performance in an under-budgeted campaign and an old and inferior car, a Formula 1 talent scout offered him a drive.

Michael thought long and hard about leaving his friends and the area he loved, but accepted and - like newlyweds Bryce and Autumn and unlike Clarissa - entered the next phase of his life.

Not to be continued.

 
 

THE END HAS THIS END

So, this is the final instalment of the unnamed motorsport satire project.

tumsp.com will remain online for a while, but there sha’n’t be any new issues.

Since June 2006, we’ve had some fun within the world of motorsport and endeavoured to look on its lighter side. Let’s face it, people involved with motorsport take it way too seriously way too often, and generally overstate its importance.

But, chances are, if you’re reading this you feel the same way we do. So keep fighting the good fight.

Apparently, our junior director’s assistant is looking at staying in the ‘industry’ to work on other projects. Keep an eye out for those if they ever happen.

But before then, the reaction to what we just announced above has been awesome. Here’s some emails, faxes and sky-writing stuff we’ve received since you read the first line of this story.

Dear tumsp,

i know this is going to peeve a few off, but no doubt with the rumoured movement/retirement of a couple of driver's sale of a few teams and maybe a couple of sponsers moving whynot have it all in one thread.

i'll do one list to kick off discusions and then no more (from me i can't speak for others) and then we can discuss the movements.

#1 reserved for champion of 2007

Toll HSV Dealer Team
#15 - KEL - Toll/HSV - Rick Kelly - VE Commodore
#16 - KEL - Toll/HSV - Garth Tander - VE Commodore
Holden Racing Team
#2 - SKA - Mobil1/Dodo - Mark Skaife - VE Commodore
#22 - SKA - Mobil1/Dodo - Todd Kelly - VE Commodore
SuperCheap Auto Racing
#3 - TMS - SuperCheap Auto - Jason Richards - VE Commodore
#51 - TMS - SuperCheap Auto - Greg Murphy - VE Commodore
Stone Brother's Racing
#4 - SBR - Jeld-Wen - James Courtney - BF Falcon
#9 - SBR - Jeld-Wen - Will Davison - BF Falcon
Ford Performance Racing
#5 - PRO - Orrcon - Mark Winterbottom - BF Falcon
#6 - PRO - Castrol Edge - Steven Richards - BF Falcon
Jack Daniels Racing
#7 - PER - Jack Daniels - Shane Price - VE Commodore
#11 - PER - Jack Daniel - Jack Perkins - VE Commodore
WPS Racing
#8 - WPS - WOW Sight & Sound - Max Wilson - BF Falcon
#10 - WPS - WPS - Jason Bargwana - BF Falcon
Team BOC
#12 - BJR - BOC - Andrew Jones - BF Falcon
#14 - BJR - BOC - David Besnard - BF Falcon
Jim Beam Racing
#17 -DJR - Jim Beam - Steve Johnson - BF Falcon
#18 - DJR - Jim Beam - Cameron McConville - BF Falcon
No Limit Racing
#20 - MAR - No Limit - Paul Dumbrell - VE Commodore
#50 - MAR - No Limit - Marcus Marshall - VE Commodore
Britek Motorsport
#25 - BRI - Caterpillar - Jason Bright - BF Falcon
#26 - BRI - Fujitsu - Russell Ingall - BF Falcon
Garry Rogers Motorsport
#33 - GRM - Valvoline/Cummins - Lee Holdsworth - VE Commodore
#34 - GRM - Valvoline/Cummins - Tony D'Alberto - VE Commodore
Team Sirromet
#39 - PMM - Sirromet - Fabian Coulthard - VE Commodore
#67 - PMM - Sirromet - Paul Morris - VE Commodore
AutoBarn Racing
#55 - RNR - AutoBarn - Steve Owen - VE Commodore
Team Kiwi Racing
#021 - TKR - Makita/3M - Chris Pither - BF Falcon
Team Vodafone
#88 - 888 - Vodafone - Jamie Whincup - BF Falcon
#888 - 888 - Vodafone - Craig Lowndes - BF Falcon
Paul Cruickshank Racing
#111 - PCR - Glenfords - Dean Canto - BF Falcon

Discuss!

Regards,
Prom Racer

Dear tumsp,
Now that you’re retiring, how about fixing us up a time machine?
Regards,
Champ Car World Series

Dear tumsp,
Do you have Lewis Hamilton's phone number? He's so dreamy.
Regards,
James Allen

Dear tumsp,
Have you seen any of my good bits? They seem to have been misplaced.
Regards,
HSV Dealer Team

Dear tumsp,
Shit, I have the wrong number. How embarrassing.
Regards,
Paul

Dear tumsp,
You flamin’ mongrels.
Regards,
Alf

Dear tumsp,
Seeing as I'm not talking to him, can you tell Fernando to pass me the microphone?
Regards,
Lewis

Dear tumsp,
Seeing as I'm not talking to him, can you tell Lewis to go and find his own microphone?
Regards,
Fernando

Dear tumsp,
I still exist.
Regards,
Scott Speed

Dear tumsp,
In 2007 Loic Duval is slated to continue in Formula Nippon and made two starts for A1 Team France in the A1 Grand Prix series in Australia and New Zealand. He is also signed to drive in the endurance rounds of the V8 Supercar series in the WPS Racing Ford.
Regards,
A. Battler c/o- Wikipedia

Dear tumsp,
Bark bark.
Regards,
Honda RA107

Dear tumsp,
Looks like I’ll just have to read my own diary. Thanks for nothing, you selfish pricks.
Regards,
TBA

Dear tumsp,
You saved motor racing. All on your own.
Regards,
Everyone

these will probably go up in value. buy now, sell on ebay later - june '06 ~~ july '06 ~~ august '06 ~~ september '06 ~~ october '06 ~~ november '06 ~~ december '06 ~~ january '07 ~~ february '07 ~~ march '07 ~~ april '07 ~~ may '07 ~~ june '07 ~~ july '07 ~~ august '07 ~~ september '07 ~~ october '07 ~~ november '07 ~~ december '07 ~~ january '08

notes \\ contact tumsp \\ all content copyright the unnamed motorsport satire project unless otherwise noted, so don't thieve \\ please note, 'The OP' appears with a tip of the hat to chris jordan \\ in no particular order, tumsp.com would like to tip its hat to the following individuals for various reasons; internet forum users, former ttf members, james allen, chris jordan, the handbag mafia, ralf schumacher, nathan wong, whoever thought of the ‘my earth dream’ concept, richard craill, visitors to the site, subscribers to the mailing list, our sponsors \\ last month's header came to you courtesy of the it crowd. a british comedy \\ this month is an ode to the micallef p(r)ogram(me) \\ if anyone asks, there's no truth in our lies \\ all rights, trademarks and that sort of shit are reserved by their original holders \\ tumsp.com is best no longer viewed \\ obrigado \\