special F1 edition, live from the Australian Grand Prix, edition legs, april 2007. word of the month: conundrum

PSYCHOLOGIST: 'SUPER-SKINNY' MODELS SHOULD BE BANNED

They are the evil among society that are setting a bad example for young and impressionable types all around the world.

 

It could soon be the end of the road for super-skinny models.

They are super skinny models.

So often, they’re seen around the world, portrayed as being successful, living a glamorous lifestyle, which is often far from the case.

Keen to conform to the images that they see, youngsters are developing self-esteem issues, depression and starving themselves to be like the models they see in the media, which have often been airbrushed or digitally altered.

Now, a leading psychologist wants them banned.

“These super skinny models are setting unrealistic benchmarks and bad examples for society, who see it and think they need to be skinny,” the psychologist said.

“It’s taking a toll on society, with countless cases reported every day of starvation in order to be like them, when in reality most of the models have eating disorders anyway or whose pictures have been modified in post-production.

“By banning them from Formula 1, we hope to project a more realistic and attainable set of goals, before more get disorders and die trying to be paper thin.”

 
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With new Formula 1 sensation Lewis Hamilton...

To type Lewis’ name in a mobile phone text message, on a vodafone perhaps, you'd use the following numbers

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IT'S GOOD TO BE GREEN, AND NOT BEING GOOD IS GREEN

With a blaze of publicity, Honda revealed plans in February to paint their Formula 1 cars in earthy hues and save the planet.

It was met with much cynicism, with most saying it was merely a token gesture within a sport where environment and conserve are rarely used in the same sentence.

However, Honda showed at the Australian Grand Prix that they can walk the talk, earning praise from serious environmental types.

“At first, we didn’t think they were serious about saving the planet, but they sure as hell proved us wrong,” one said.

“Both of their race drivers finished one lap down in the race, that’s two less laps that they did as a team, significantly reducing their carbon emissions.

“As an extra bonus, slow cars - like the one they’ve got this year - are better for the environment.”

 
 

making news elsewhere...
Ralf Schumacher voted third best Ralf Schumacher in Formula 1

  
 

:: the TBA diaries

Dear me,

I don’t know why I even bother. Every year, I get out there in the driver market, seeking a drive or seventeen in a range of championships.

Then, when I see myself being linked with drives in the media and on official Formula 1 entry lists, I get my hopes up. Inevitably, though, none of it ever amounts to an actual drive.

Some other chump or chumpette rocks up and steals my drive from under me, or the teams didn’t even have me as option in the first place. I blame the media.

Had a perfect example at the Australian Grand Prix, where an Australian publication listed me as Toro Rosso’s test driver. I thought it must’ve been true because it was in print, that I wasn’t at home when Gerhard called with the news, or that the ‘Dear TBA, You are our test driver this year. Regards, Mr Berger’ memo was mis-placed.

So I went to the team on Wednesday in the paddock when they were setting up, to have a chat and sort out the details. Turns out they were just using me. Listing me, TBA, as a driver to hide the fact that they hadn’t actually signed a driver.

I’m over this. It’s clear that no matter how long I continue, the same thing will keep happening, as it has for every year of my life. I remember when I started out in motorsport, I had to wind up my car at the front to start it. Not that I actually ever had to, given that I never had a drive, but those were the days.

Now, the dream is over. Time to give up on the motorsport career, stop writing stupid diary entries, stop hating Gaston Mazzacane, and just go back to my home planet.

TBA

  
 

Episode 10 - There wasn’t much else to do at The OP and they had plenty of money, so the clan (no, not that one) decided to go to The AGP.

Leaving the Cafe behind them, Bryce, Michael, Autumn and Clarissa set off on their road-trip. However, it wasn’t all smooth sailing.

Bryce and Autumn weren’t speaking to each other after a dispute over which strength of coffee to purchase when they stopped, revived and survived (although this prolonged the inevitable for Clarissa, who has about another year left).

Things turned from bad to worse when their car broke down halfway between The OP and The AGP on a deserted stretch of road in the middle of the night.

Fortunately, in one of the perks of their wealthy upbringing, their butler in his car carrying their luggage wasn’t far behind, so they commandeered his car and left him to fend off John Jarrett.

When Bryce, Michael, Clarissa and Autumn arrived at The AGP, they set about rubbing shoulders with the rich, the famous, those who are both rich and famous, and those who fit into neither category.

They all had a turbulent time. In addition to the time their car got stuck in Ralf Schumacher’s dirty air on their way to the circuit, Michael was called up to replace a Formula 1 driver, who was too exhausted to race after a hefty pre-race PR schedule.

He finished fourth, and was offered a drive overseas, which would require him to leave The OP forever. ‘Taking a break’ from his relationship with Autumn, Bryce struck up an instant rapport with a promo model at the event and a new relationship looked to be on the cards.

Meanwhile, Clarissa or Autumn were facing their own tough dilemmas. Unfortunately, they don’t fit into this 45 minute block of television. It would make for good TV if it did, though.

 
making news elsewhere...
three dead after inclusion of ‘have a shot whenever you hear Michael Schumacher's name' clause in Australian Grand Prix telecast drinking game
  
 

tumsp gets a (media) clip(ping) over the ears

A lot of stuff gets written about each Formula 1 Grand Prix. We sent our media expert Lou Ziminaditch to the newsagency each day during the Australian Grand Prix to document newspaper coverage of the event.

Here is his media log for the stuff he could afford to buy.

Pre event media coverage
The event is doomed - Melbourne Hourly
Expert: Australian Grand Prix doomed - Heraldonian
We don’t want to alarm you, but Mark Webber might’ve moved to a rubbish team - Heraldonian
Australian Grand Prix is losing too much money - The Golden
Has Webber moved to the wrong team? - Melbourne Hourly

Friday coverage in Saturday newspapers
Yep, Webber has gone to the wrong team - Melbourne Hourly
Webber in wrong team fiasco - Heraldonian
Michael Schumacher seems to have changed his name to Ralf and his speed to ‘slow’ - The Cotton Candy Chronicler
Another wrong team move for Webber - The Golden

  
Saturday coverage in Sunday newspapers
Webber qualifies seventh - Expert: he went to the right team - The Golden
Who is this Lewis Hamilton chap? - Melbourne Hourly
Red Bull is the right team for Webber - Heraldonian
Red Bull is giving Webber wings - Melbourne Hourly

Sunday coverage in Monday newspapers
Red Rubbish! Webber battles to nowhere - The Golden
Expert: Webber went to the wrong team - The Golden
Lewis Hamilton and us go way back, we told you years ago that he’d be a star - Melbourne Hourly
Race confirms, Webber went to wrong team - Heraldonian
Red Bull not good enough for Webber - Melbourne Hourly
 
 

F1 GARDENER SENT ON GARDENING LEAVE

A leading Formula 1 gardener will spend the next six months on gardening leave, after agreeing to a big-dollar contract to switch teams.

As is the norm in Formula 1 circles with high-profile cases such as Adrian Newey, the gardener will sit out the remainder of his existing contract before moving to the new team.

He is barred from performing his chosen trade for the balance of that time.

“I’ve often wondered whether the grass really is greener elsewhere,” the gardener said.

“This is the best way to find out which was a big motivating factor, that and the fact I'll be making twice as much money.

“When they said I’d have to go on gardening leave, I was stoked. The thought of getting paid out, taking a break from the rigours from Formula 1 and working on my own garden was really exciting.

“I was thinking that I should change teams more often, but now that I’ve read the terms of the settlement and I’m not so sure.

“I can’t potter around any garden, not even my own, so I’ll have to find something else to do for six months.

“That said, it’s quite exciting, maybe I’ll develop other interests and hobbies, like poetry, collecting props from winter Olympics closing ceremonies, or teaching animals to play frisbee.”

  

older editions of the unnamed motorsport satire project that probably aren't aging well - june 2006 ~~ july 2006 ~~ august 2006 ~~ september 2006 ~~ october 2006 ~~ november 2006 ~~ december 2006 ~~ january 2007 ~~ february 2007 ~~ march 2007

notes \\ contact tumsp \\ all content copyright the unnamed motorsport satire project unless otherwise noted \\ please note, 'The OP' lives on, and appears with a tip of the hat to chris jordan and with thanks to richard craill's research \\ the picture of robert kubica appears with thanks to richard craill \\ last month's header was based on 'the office'. if you haven't seen it, go away \\ if anyone asks, there's no truth in our lies \\ you'd better not be re-producing our stuff in a dodgy or unethical manner \\ tumsp.com is now monocle-viewing-friendly \\ if you visited tumsp.com on april 2 or are on the tumsp mailing list, you may have seen this. that was just our way of messing with the whole 'april fools day' premise, a day that apparently gives people free-reign to make rubbish jokes. hardcore, we're sure you'll concur, but where's the rule that says you can only fuck with things on april 1? thanks to the concerned people who got in touch asking if the site was dead, though. \\