edition bakers dozen minus one, may 2007. word of the month: nifty-iota

Exclusive - V8 Alcoholic sponsorship war is go!

The recently-started alcoholic sponsorship war in V8 Supercars is about to get a whole lot more alcoholic, the unnamed motorsport satire project can exclusively reveal in this exclusive that you won’t find in any other Tuesday publications or on the V8 Morning Shit website.

Following in the footsteps of cunning businessmen Jack Daniels and Jim Beam, Adelaide home brewer Jonathan Chambers is set to unveil a naming rights sponsorship deal with a leading V8 team in the coming days.

To start at the Winton round later this month (or 'Having started at the Winton round earlier this month', depending on when you are reading this), the deal will be a massive boost for the team in question, although their identity remains shrouded with secrecy.

“It’ll be a proud moment when I see JC out there on the grid, possibly between JB and JD if we are listed in alphabetical order,” Chambers, who started home-brewing 12 months ago and works as a hard hat constructor, told tumsp.com.

“I've done my sums and it [V8 Supercar sponsorship] makes sense from a financial point of view.

“I currently make about 100 bottles a year but purely through the V8 team advertising program, I see that easily expanding to 600,000,000 bottles a year.

“Then I'd also have massive income stream from the merchandising. It's like printing my own money, except not illegal.”

  
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Lesson 3, Giving the media what they want, with Australian Champ Car ace Will Power
It’s important to give the media what they want. That’s why it’s encouraging to see that Will Power has been well-trained to look after them - even when faced with a piss-lame question during the Las Vegas post race press conference. It actually broke the Pun-O, our version of cricket’s Snick-O.

Q. How much 'willpower' did it take to win this race?

WILL POWER: It takes a heck of a lot. Takes a lot of willpower to eat well, do a lot of fitness, get up early every morning.
   

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Episode 11 - Having arrived back at The OP after travelling for exactly the amount of time it took to travel between The AGP and The OP, the gang were enjoying a sunny midweek.

You see, The OP was deep in drought. It was pretty dry, and too much money was required to fix concrete walls after truck crashes to fly in water from different places.

Times were tough and The OP was on the brink of being relocated. It would be a massive blow for local businesses, even more so for anyone who had just finished upgrading their Cafe to a Café. Fortunately there were no such businesses in The OP, owing to construction delays at the wharf.

Elsewhere, Michael, Bryce, Autumn and Clarissa were facing their own set of challenges. Michael was still mulling over an offer to leave The OP for good and chase his overseas dream, after finishing fourth at The AGP while filling in for a regular F1 driver.

He had a test drive scheduled for later that week and was packing his bags, while Clarissa struggled to come to grips with the fact that Michael could soon be thousands of kilometres away on the other side of the world.

To make matters worse, her American Express credit card was over the limit, and the oversized-sunglasses store (both in terms of the store itself and their products) wouldn't accept her American Slow card. That and the fact she has about a year before she is killed.

With June rapidly approaching, Bryce’s enjoyment of Autumn was soon to be over for another year. Having hit it off with a promotional model at The AGP, he was encountering the teething problems of long-distance relationships.

Even though there were still plenty of unresolved issues between the pair - if it ever turned sour between Bryce and the promotional model - Autumn would be waiting in the wings. She had made no effort to hide the fact she still had a lot of thyme for Bryce, to use in the upcoming herb cook-off.

 
 

now, kiddies, let's pretend the unnamed motorsport satire project is British

Lewis Hamilton, is the greatest sportsperson to have ever participated in sport, even better than Tim Henman and Andrew Flintoff combined. Seriously, he could even be the best thing ever, the single reason we have all been put on earth. Our missions are complete. Sorry I have a phone call, won't be a second...

Hello?..... Yes it is.... Jenson who?... No, doesn't ring a bell. Sure, have a good day.

Sorry about that delay. Some battler was just on the phone. Anyway, where were we? Ah, that's right. I once saw Lewis at a Grand Prix, he looked in my direction then I blushed, and ran away giggling like a school girl. He's such a dreamboat.

-end

Okay, that may be a bit overblown, but the way sections of the motorsport and British media are carrying on about Lewis Hamilton is embarrassing. Sure the Australian media love Mark Webber (when he is doing well) and there's nothing wrong with some national pride when someone is performing well, but the sooner they get it over with and have his babies the better.

Don't get us wrong. We're not having a go at Lewis. He is doing a fucking stellar job, both on the track and with the way he has come to grips with Formula 1. But listening to James Allen (okay, that's probably half the problem) commentate his efforts on British TV channel ITV's Formula 1 coverage is nauseating.

There was a moment when he said Lewis put in a 'heroic drive' in Bahrain. Fuck off. Driving X laps as fast as he can, trying to be the first person to cross the finish line is his job. He's been doing it all his life. Sure, he does it well, but it's not like he stopped on lap 48 to drag a cat out of a burning house.

  
 

Techy-Talkey with Talking Techy Timmy

In a new feature of the unnamed motorsport satire project, our technical guru who can talk, Timmy Tippsover looks at the finer details of V8 Supercars’ recent (and shortened) trip to Pukekohe.Now here's Timmy.


Thanks introduction text. I'm Timmy. If you were watching the V8 telecast from Pukekohe, you may have noticed extra smoke and haze from the cars as they exited the notorious turn five hairpin. Maybe you didn’t, but so what? Scratch your chin, tilt your head slightly, look up, nod and say ‘yes, as a matter of fact I did.’

Some people stopped me on the street this week about this very topic.

One train of thought involved fuel from a different country, however there is a far easier explanation.

Remember, kiddies, there are no wrong answers, but you wouldn’t want to fuck this up.

If you want to read answer A, click here.
If you want to read answer B, click here.

Thanks for playing. Until next time, I’m Timmy Tippsover, not saying good afternoon, because that could be inaccurate.


 

 
 

DURAN DURAN AIMING FOR ANOTHER #1 - AT BATHURST

With all the internet stupidity surrounding Loic Duval racing in the V8 enduros, rumours are now starting to link rally ace Francois Duval to the team for a Duval Duval combo.

However the unnamed motorsport satire project believes the rumours are false, and have been possibly started as a smokescreen to the real story - that Duran Duran will line up at Sandown and Bathurst.

No, we're not talking about Mexican A1 Grand Prix driver Salvador and his possibly non-existent/non-racing brother. We're talking about the 1980s, pop-rock sensation, formed by brothers David Du, Mark Ran, Du Davidson and Ran Upahil.

We believe Duran Duran will continue to aid the process of endurance drives becoming occupied, with reports they will drive an unnamed, four-wheeled, V8-engined Supercar.

“It will be a massive coup for everyone involved,” sang our source.

“This will tie-in with their fifth annual world retirement tour, with the guys playing shows at Melbourne RSL’s around the Sandown event, and country NSW before and after Bathurst.

“The amazing amount of publicity and glam it will bring to the event is sensational, really fabulous. Even if they don’t win the race, although they should have a distinct advantage with all their #1 records, it will still be a win-win situation for everyone.

“But don’t tell Honda - they’ll be pissed off for environmental reasons at the combination of hairspray and motorsport.”

 
 

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separated at birth

F1 Racing's
'LOOKY-LIKEY'
section.
Auto Action's
'LOOK A-LIKE'
section.

 
 

HONDA SEEK GREEN-PEACE WITH SPONSOR

Already reeling at the inadequacy of their 2007 Formula 1 challenger, the RA107, after a disastrous opening three rounds, Honda is facing another setback.

Their sponsor for the 2007 season, the earth, is said to be reconsidering their sponsorship, as their association with Honda is reflecting poorly on the Milky Way entity.

“We entered into this agreement in good faith,” said one earth insider.

“Honda won a race last year and the consensus was that it would be the first of many, and that we’d benefit from massive coverage and association with a winner.

“But it hasn’t gone like that at all. We’ve actually had loyal customers changing brands because they link Honda’s poor performance with our services.”

While escape clauses are now able to be activated by earth, one compromise is said to include ...

We regret to advise you that in order for our broadcaster to fulfil their other sporting commitments, and for us to show our credits, we’re going to have to end this edition of the unnamed motorsport satire project here, seven laps short of its initially-scheduled distance. We'll see you next time, Australia!

  

older editions of the unnamed motorsport satire project that probably aren't aging well - june 2006 ~~ july 2006 ~~ august 2006 ~~ september 2006 ~~ october 2006 ~~ november 2006 ~~ december 2006 ~~ january 2007 ~~ february 2007 ~~ march 2007 ~~ april 2007

notes \\ contact tumsp \\ all content copyright the unnamed motorsport satire project unless otherwise noted \\ please note, 'The OP' appears with a tip of the hat to chris jordan \\ additional input from the handbag mafia \\ last month's header was based on the dvd artwork of the former australian tv satire 'the games' \\ if anyone asks, there's no truth in our lies \\ you'd better not be re-producing our stuff in a dodgy, unethical or copyright-breaching manner \\ tumsp.com is now monocle-viewing-friendly \\