edition alti, november 2006. word of the month: bonanza
um, of...

It is with regret that we must start this edition of the unnamed motorsport satire project should with a note our lawyers said we needed to run.

Those of you who saw the October 2006 issue will know that we ran a feature about etiquette tips for Bathurst and Indy with Etiquette Expert Eugene Eltonan.

He was introduced to us as ‘Etiquette Expert Eugene Eltonan’, so we assumed his name was Eugene Eltonan and that he was an expert in the field of etiquette, however we were wrong.

It turns out that his name just actually is ‘Etiquette Expert Eugene Eltonan’ - tough times with celebrity parents - and that he isn’t an expert in anything. To anyone who took his advice, we apologise.

 

Awkward Indy balcony moment caught on tape

A lot happens on balconies at the Lexmark Indy 300.

In addition to stuff we won’t mention (it’s a family show. fuck), food is consumed, alcohol is consumed, motorsport is watched, and people wave whenever they realise TV cameras are looking at them.

Sadly, the latter can have dire consequences.

At approximately 3:43pm on Saturday afternoon of the 2006 event, there was an awkward moment when the director left vision of a punter on the big screen for too long a period of time.

“It was awkward,” said the man. “I’d already done the waving and 'Hi Mum' thing, but I could see on the big screen that the camera was just staying on me. Sure, it might've only been on me for a minute, but it felt like a lifetime.

"There’s always that split second when you realise that the camera is on you, where you have to decide whether to acknowledge it’s there or not.

“I’ve seen plenty of people over the years just ignore it. Why couldn’t I have taken their lead instead of standing there and waving like a chump?”

In addition to the awkwardness for both the punter and those who had to look at him, the issue raised a number of dangerous OH&S issues.

“I tried to play along and not just stand there, tried to keep it up-vibe,” he said. “So I waved for about 60 seconds, and for my efforts I’ve got a bad case of RSI. I’m appalled.”

Event organisers were unavailable for comment on the matter when we called Pizza Hut.

  
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Motor Show records to tumble?

People who may or may not be involved with the Sydney Motor Show are expecting 2006 to be the biggest year yet for pick-up lines directed at promotional models.

“Every year the models are bombarded with pick-up lines by passers by,” said one source.

“Our data shows that with a strong advertising campaign, hype about a number of new additions and strong figures in recent years, we could be in for the biggest year yet.

“Timeless classics like ‘Do you come with this car?’ are expected to feature and remain a favourite, while there are a number of newcomers, such as ‘I’ve got some muscle I can park in your garage’ and ‘Someone hit the central locking button, and now my eyes are locked on you’.

“It’s too early to tell if the record will be broken, but it’s terribly exciting."

 
 

Previously on The OP... Jose [Michael's long lost brother with a dodgy past] saw Michael and began to approach him with news that would change both of their lives forever. *cue theme music*

Episode 5 - "Dude, I've got a puncture, can you help me change it?" asked Jose.

"Sure, I was, like, totally enjoying an evening with my friends and I reckon I'm a chance with Clarissa, but I can help you because you’re my brother, and that’s what brothers - even long lost ones - do," replied Michael.

While Michael and Jose went off to change Jose's flat tyre and exchange singlet buying tips, Clarissa, Bryce and Autumn tried their hand at Sodoku to help pass the time. If Clarissa knew she was dying in two years, she might've found something better to do, but you get that sometimes.

When Michael and Jose were non-compulsorily changing the flat tyre, Jose excused himself to go and test out his oversized sunglasses in the next suburb. Unbeknown to Michael, who was left changing the tyre, he went back to the Diner/Cafe (it was difficult to tell which it was with the renovations) and busted a move on Clarissa.

Adding to the drama, a guy they knew from school called Colin arrived and insisted he should be able to join in the Sodoku game. The group refused, so Colin proceeded to throw plates and pancakes around the building with messy results.

His rampage was only stopped by Michael’s return to the Diner/Cafe. It was approximately 58 minutes after Jose had arrived, he quickly noted that neither Jose nor Clarissa were present, and realised what had taken place in his absence.

To be continued...

  
 

the TBA diaries

Dear Diary,

My name is TBA. I don’t know why I’m writing that, as I’m the only one who reads this and I already know who I am. Stupid, really. I’ve got those people from the unnamed motorsport satire project on my case wanting me to write for them but I keep refusing.

Maybe they’ll resort to low tactics like setting up a massive X-Ray machine outside my house so they can read this, but for now, it’s just me writing this, reading it as I write it, then reading it later while I listen to So Fresh Volume 4.

I’ve been busy, very busy, but that’s always the case and that's the way, ah ha, ah ah, I like it, ah ha, ah ha. I drove a couple of Aussie Racing Cars at Indy the other week in the practice session to help some teams out. I even put one of them into the Top 10.

It was a good weekend for the family, actually. I read in the event program that my cousin TBC was down to drive a couple of the Champ Cars. I couldn't find him in pitlane when I went looking for him, but I presume that if he was listed in the program he would've been racing and in there somewhere.

Must run, need some more needles for my Gaston Mazzacane voodoo doll. I hate that guy.

TBA.

 

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Legge reaches career milestone on the Gold Coast

Katherine Legge hit a new milestone in her debut Champ Car season at the recent Lexmark Indy 300, a reporter reports.

Legge was asked for the 100,000th time what it was like being a female in a male-oriented sport, by a local radio station during interviews after the traditional drivers breakfast on Thursday morning.

“Very few of us realised at the time, but it was a mementous occasion,” said one eye-witness.

“After the crash at Road America and ensuing media attention, she was always going to be a chance to crack the 100,000 mark this weekend, but we didn’t expect it to be so soon.

“Full credit to Katherine, though, she is taking it one question at a time.”

 
older stuff that probably won't age well - june 2006 ~~ july 2006 ~~ august 2006 ~~ september 2006 ~~ october 2006
notes \\ contact tumsp \\ all content copyright the unnamed motorsport satire project unless otherwise noted \\ please note 'The OP' appears with a tip of the hat to chris jordan and with thanks to richard craill's research \\ last month's header was based on the old cover graphics for the great race book, produced each year by chevron about the bathurst 1000 \\ if anyone asks, there's no truth in our lies \\ the unnamed motorsport satire project is a production by token cameo consultancy \\ unauthorised reproduction isn't cool \\ tumsp.com is best viewed by humans \\