the unnamed motorsport satire project

A SPECIAL INVESTIGATION

The following is a transcript from television tabloid journalism show Expired Affair, printed here to fill some space. It’s pretty long, so you might just want to scroll down to the next portion if you’re on the dummy grid.

Host: Welcome back. Now to a story about a new underground craze that’s sweeping the world by storm and putting the lives of Australian kids at risk. Kaniiva Lift has more...

Voiceover: This could be any 16-year-old boy’s bedroom in Australia. But it’s not. It’s the bedroom of 15-year-old Wollongong resident David Collins, who is struggling to overcome an addiction which his family say is annoying them and slowly ruining his life.

Collins: It started 11 years ago this year. About 11 years ago I became a big fan of Jacques Villeneuve when he entered F1. His out-there attitude, receding hairline which he tried to cover up by colouring it and success in America all made me a big fan. That and fact I’m a quarter Canadian.

Throughout the year I followed his title bid closely. I would watch and re-watch each of his races about half a dozen times, making my own notes in a special Jacques Villeneuve scrapbook.

Voiceover: The World Championship went down to a fight between Villeneuve and his Williams team-mate Damon Hill. At the season finale, the Japanese Grand Prix in Japan, Villeneuve needed a miracle to overcome Hill - needing to win the race and hope Hill finished outside the points to become champion.

Villeneuve took pole position, but quickly the tables turned in Hill’s favour as he an early lead. After a routine pitstop in the pits, disaster struck for Villeneuve and Collins’ life would forever be changed.

Collins: Watching the race live, I could sense something was wrong on his outlap. Then the wheel fell off and I knew that was it. It was over. I was forlorn. I feel like a part of me died that moment.

Voiceover: Since that day, Collins’ daily existence has centred on recreating that moment and the pitstop which preceded it.

His parents estimate he spends at least six hours a day recreating the moments out of jelly and drink umbrellas.

David Collins Snr: We estimate he spends at least six hours a day recreating the moments out of jelly and drink umbrellas.

It’s a terrible waste. His life used to be so full of promise. He’s already been expelled from three schools for taking his home activities into the class room and the schoolwork he does complete is appalling.

His teachers liken it to the quality of an echidna. It’s actually a sea cucumber he gets to do his work. Leonard. Shows how much the teachers these days know.

Voiceover: For David’s parents, it’s been an 11-year long nightmare, with no end in sight. With word of David’s efforts spreading and websites dedicated to his work sprouting up like turnips, authorities fear it’s only a matter of time before the world has an epidemic on its hands.

Police officer: The alarming thing isn’t so much how quickly it has spread; it’s more the rhetorical question of ‘where are their parents?’

In David’s case they live under the same room, so one has to wonder just how poor their parenting skills are. I just hope that other parents are better-prepared so we don’t have more lives wasted by this craze.

Host: Kaniiva Lift with that harrowing insight into a harrowing craze. After the break, which supermarket’s plastic bags are more likely to kill your children? We’ve got the alarming results next...

edition old enough to vote and just in time, november 2007. word of the month: peeps
SPECIAL FEATURE EXCLUSIVE TO TUMSP.COM - PRETEND TUMSP.COM ISN'T AN AMERICAN SITCOM
	V8 TITLE SHOWDOWN LOOMING The 2007 V8 Supercar Champion will be crowned at the start of December but, in reality, the new champion will set it up this month. With rounds at Bahrain and Symmons Plains, there are six races in November with 144 points on offer and just 35 points covering the top four. Anything can happen. Okay, probably not ‘anything’. We mean, Robbie Francevic isn’t going to add to his 1986 championship, but we’re trying to talk it up here, people. Cut us some freaking slack. As part of this in-depth analysis of the 2007 V8 Supercar Championship, the unnamed motorsport satire project recently visited a clairvoyant, who reviewed each (those in contention, not anyone who’s ever driven a race or road car) driver’s title hopes. The results were interesting, but we'll keep them to ourselves - it'll win us a lot of cash at the TAB.
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	A SPECIAL INVESTIGATION The following is a transcript from television tabloid journalism show Expired Affair, printed here to fill some space. It’s pretty long, so you might just want to scroll down to the next portion if you’re on the dummy grid. Host: Welcome back. Now to a story about a new underground craze that’s sweeping the world by storm and putting the lives of Australian kids at risk. Kaniiva Lift has more... Voiceover: This could be any 16-year-old boy’s bedroom in Australia. But it’s not. It’s the bedroom of 15-year-old Wollongong resident David Collins, who is struggling to overcome an addiction which his family say is annoying them and slowly ruining his life. Collins: It started 11 years ago this year. About 11 years ago I became a big fan of Jacques Villeneuve when he entered F1. His out-there attitude, receding hairline which he tried to cover up by colouring it and success in America all made me a big fan. That and fact I’m a quarter Canadian. Throughout the year I followed his title bid closely. I would watch and re-watch each of his races about half a dozen times, making my own notes in a special Jacques Villeneuve scrapbook. Voiceover: The World Championship went down to a fight between Villeneuve and his Williams team-mate Damon Hill. At the season finale, the Japanese Grand Prix in Japan, Villeneuve needed a miracle to overcome Hill - needing to win the race and hope Hill finished outside the points to become champion. Villeneuve took pole position, but quickly the tables turned in Hill’s favour as he an early lead. After a routine pitstop in the pits, disaster struck for Villeneuve and Collins’ life would forever be changed. Collins: Watching the race live, I could sense something was wrong on his outlap. Then the wheel fell off and I knew that was it. It was over. I was forlorn. I feel like a part of me died that moment. Voiceover: Since that day, Collins’ daily existence has centred on recreating that moment and the pitstop which preceded it. His parents estimate he spends at least six hours a day recreating the moments out of jelly and drink umbrellas. David Collins Snr: We estimate he spends at least six hours a day recreating the moments out of jelly and drink umbrellas. It’s a terrible waste. His life used to be so full of promise. He’s already been expelled from three schools for taking his home activities into the class room and the schoolwork he does complete is appalling. His teachers liken it to the quality of an echidna. It’s actually a sea cucumber he gets to do his work. Leonard. Shows how much the teachers these days know. Voiceover: For David’s parents, it’s been an 11-year long nightmare, with no end in sight. With word of David’s efforts spreading and websites dedicated to his work sprouting up like turnips, authorities fear it’s only a matter of time before the world has an epidemic on its hands. Police officer: The alarming thing isn’t so much how quickly it has spread; it’s more the rhetorical question of ‘where are their parents?’ In David’s case they live under the same room, so one has to wonder just how poor their parenting skills are. I just hope that other parents are better-prepared so we don’t have more lives wasted by this craze. Host: Kaniiva Lift with that harrowing insight into a harrowing craze. After the break, which supermarket’s plastic bags are more likely to kill your children? We’ve got the alarming results next...