the unnamed motorsport satire project

edition osem x dve, september 2007. word of the month: blitz
	RACER SLAMS 'HALF-ARSED' VIDEO GAME A leading motorsport driver has slammed the latest racing video game, Extremo Deatho Raceo. Featuring every track in the world, the game has become a worldwide sales sensation, selling over seven copies in the first week alone. While reviews have generally been positive, one Australian driver has slammed the game makers’ re-creation of the soon-to-be-closed Oran Park Raceway. “The game is good fun, but the really made some massive errors,” 25-year-old Julian Cartla, who says he's really good but just has no money, said. “It’s nothing like real life, I mean, they’ve got 6.53 degrees of camber on the exit of the final corner. "Everyone knows that its 6.51, sheesh, it’s like they didn’t do any research at all and just expect us to swallow a half-arsed product.” Makers of the game were unable for comment when we shone the game maker signal. By which we mean a torch.
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Episode 15 - It may have cost him his career, but Michael was about to find Clarissa. Having remembered that he'd attached a thing on Clarissa’s keys which made a noise when he whistled, he whistled.

Michael was over 300km away but the keyring was potent. It not only detected the whistle, but made a noise loud enough for Michael to hear and conclude that Clarissa was on 9456th street in Opexico, sitting at the third desk from the door of room 78 on the 16th floor of a student accommodation shack wasting part of the final two months of her life.

Using all of his race driving skills and some of his pottery skills, Michael rushed to save Clarissa. But when he got there, Clarissa was nowhere to be seen. She had ducked downstairs to buy some sushi, but returned several seconds later.

Clarissa confided in Michael that she had killed Jose. Michael already knew, but didn’t tell her as he was pleased that she trusted him enough to tell him. They made a pact to never speak of it again, unless a great book deal was on offer many years down the track.

As they started their trek back to The OP, Bryce was starting 90th in the annual Big OP race-off after faulty car problems in qualifying.

From there, he drove the race of his life. He charged to position 93 at the end of the first lap, but through a cunning strategy - which involved running over various people from other teams in pitlane to slow down his rivals' pitstops - he soared up the order.

As the laps ticked by, a much-needed win looked improbable, but Bryce never gave up. On the final corner of the last lap, he passed seven cars to take victory.

Things were good and progress was made with Autumn on the podium after the race. There was no post-win, podium victory boof, but by the same token there was no stabbing. Bryce knew this was a positive sign.

making news elsewhere...
tech savvy couple resolve issue with facebook to facebook conversation (techthymes.org.au)

HONDA'S CUSTOMER CAR CONTROVERSY

As their season goes from Turkey to worse, HondaF1 has become embroiled in yet more controversy and paddock rumour.

Months after the controversy about Honda’s ‘B team’, Super Aguri, basing their 2007 chassis on the 2006 HondaF1 chassis, we hear a similar scenario is again going down.

the unnamed motorsport satire project has heard that HondaF1 want to use the 2007 Super Aguri chassis, the 2006 HondaF1 chassis, in 2008.

“I’ve never heard anything like it, it’s another step from the customer car row,” one informant in a paddock told us.

“Unlike the customer car row, no-one has named the scenario yet. I’m trying to get people to call it the 'owner customer car row'.

“Can you put that in print for me? I’d love for it to take off. Imagine if they printed it in the Red Bulletin one day - it’s such a dream boat.”

HondaF1 was unavailable for comment, however spies within the team admitted the plan was on the table.

“That is correct, but I can’t tell you which table it's on,” he said.

“It would make so much sense. The car won a race and was reasonably competitive in the second half of the year whereas this year’s car is rubbish.

“Actually, we’re going to recycle it at the end of the year. You know, it’s hip to be green.

“We see running the 2007 Super Aguri as one of our best options to be competitive next year. It would sure beat letting whoever designed our 2007 car loose again.”

Auto Action magazine recently ran a poll of all the V8 Supercar drivers. It had some interesting results, with some drivers faring better than others.

Paul Morris was on the receiving end, being named the 'Most Dangerous’ and equal 'Dirtiest' driver. However, given that he was voted the driver other drivers would least like to fight, we’re guessing drivers don't exactly discuss these concerns with Paul.

At least we at the unnamed motorsport satire project make our rivalries open. Yep, we hate the V8 Daily Dump.

It led to a lot of talk, with Paul standing his ground in the face of criticism and stating his own case when asked about the poll results. Even had some nifty new t-shirts made for Oran Park.

We’re not sure if he made them himself, but if so it’d be another string to his bow. Not only is he a race driver, entrepreneur, race team owner and possibly a t-shirt maker, we believe Paul has a future as a travel writer, if this quote in the Sirromet Wines 2005 Shanghai practice report is anything to go by.

“Shanghai is obviously a big city with 20-million people. Many of them get around on bicycles, and the traffic seems to keep moving. You can get any kind of food here – Chinese, Italian, Indian, or whatever you want."

Man of many talents and possibly coming to a book emporium near you soon.

bill paying device

EQUINE INFLUENZA FEARS FOR SANDOWN 500

A leading health expert has raised serious health concerns ahead of the Sandown 500, following the recent equine influenza outbreak
which has crippled the Australian horse racing industry.

Michael Pleton, from the Australian International Health Association, said a number of factors mean that vehicles involved in the iconic motor race are at a massive risk of infection.

“The equine influenza outbreak has out-braked all expectations,” Pleton said.

“We have seen horse racing all around the nation cancelled, serious quarantine restrictions enforced and general heightened level of panic.

“Most days of the year, Sandown is a venue for horses and horse racing and I fear that the risk is there for cars to contract the illness.”

While Pleton’s concerns have met with scepticism, he is adamant that the risk is real.

“I’m telling you, man, the risk is really real,” he adamanted.

“People say there is no history of cars catching equine influenza, but people used to say the same about avian influenza - otherwise known as bird flu - and humans.

“Then people started to catch it and now it’s something everyone keeps two eyes out for.

“If the same level of concern isn’t heeded for equine influenza and automobiles, I fear we could have a serious problem on our hands.”

the unnamed motorsport satire project understands a number of prevention measures have been locked in for the weekend.

Horses have been banned from competing in the event, cars will be cleaned thoroughly after off-track excursions and will be kept in garages when not on track.

don't drink poison. read these instead - june '06 ~~ july '06 ~~ august '06 ~~ september '06 ~~ october '06 ~~
november '06 ~~ december '06 ~~ january '07 ~~ february '07 ~~ march '07 ~~ april '07 ~~ may '07 ~~ june '07 ~~ july '07 ~~ august '07

notes \\ contact tumsp \\ all content copyright the unnamed motorsport satire project unless otherwise noted, so don't thieve \\ please note, 'The OP' appears with a tip of the hat to chris jordan \\ last month's header was actually an ad for our new movie, harry pottter and the unnamed motorsport satire project. it’s about a wizard like some imposter movie out at the moment, but this one has an extra t in his surname and is therefore better \\ if anyone asks, there's no truth in our lies \\ all rights, trademarks and that sort of shit are reserved by their original holders \\ tumsp.com is best viewed \\

encore

NO NAURU A1 IS NOT A1

They may not be a motorsport powerhouse or even a motorsport powerant but, a vocal minority if there ever was one, a Nauru motorsport fan is trying to gain an entry for his nation in the upcoming season of A1 Grand Prix.

15-year-old Nauruian Steve is campaigning both tirelessly and tyrelessly to gain a late entry to the self-proclaimed ‘World Cup of Motorsport’.

“Motorsport is big in Nauru,” he told the unnamed motorsport satire project, “a group of my friends and I are massive Formula 1 fans.

“We try to follow A1 Grand Prix, but we would follow it more if there was a Team Nauru, which is why I started this campaign.”

While Nauru has one of the smallest populations in the world, with around 13,000, we believe significant progress to getting the pacific nation onto the grid has been made.

“They’re little to no chance it happening, no progress has been made,” one source told the unnamed motorsport satire project.

“We have considered it though, I mean, if just one resident is writing to us asking for a team from a 13,000 people population, that’s one thirteen-thousandth of their population.

“Imagine if they did end up with a team and their population grew to be 20,000 that size - their A1 fan base would be one thirteen-thousandth of 13,000 multiplied by 20,000.

" You’d need to have the '13,000 multiplied by 20,000' bit in brackets so you get one thirteen-thousandth of the product of 13,000 and 20,000, not one thirteen-thousandth of 13,000 then multiplied by 20,000.

“Either way, that is a lot of people, but I just don’t see it happening.”